Felt Like Writing Tonight!xo

Just about to turn 25

I think it’s time to look back on my life

I’m still here, I’ve survived

I guess it’s a passion to live while I’m alive

Start with this

Normal kid, 4, and the parents split

You know the usual shit

6, big brother ran in front of a car and got hit

He died in the hospital

It felt like the whole world stood still

I looked at Mummy, there was something different about her eyes

For a long time she struggled just to be alive

I was too scared to leave her side

I couldn’t lose her, like I lost my brother

Grief is a pain like no other

But her love and strength, she continued to give

Even though she deserved to pack it all up and call it quits

14 years old

Met drugs and alcohol

Getting smashed, wishing the pain would dissolve

I was going fast and hard down a hole

I was completely losing control

15, anxiety attacks

Almost gave up but couldn’t go out like that

I was struggling to get my sanity back

But stability was something I continued to lack

16, I met the love of my life

There something about him, everything just felt right

I was falling and he gave me a safe place to land

I can thank him and his family for the woman I am

17, here comes a baby, unplanned

I was tired and sick everyday

Thought it was normal, then one day

I felt my heart race

Felt like I was going to fall on my face

Found out my baby and I were in a dangerous place

I had to have him early to make us both safe

I held on three more weeks

I wanted to hold him in longer

Let him grow and be stronger

My organs were failing

My heart was breaking

I felt the toll Pre-Eclampsia was taking

Andre’ was 615grams when I had him

So fragile, so thin

Almost transparent skin

2 operations, blood transfusions

Days and nights of utter confusion

We got told we’ll have our son home by Christmas

He died that November

The rest is all blurry, hard to remember

Burying your child is the hardest thing to do

Blamed myself for everything our little boy went through

I felt so guilty, sometimes I couldn’t sleep at night

My own guilt is the worst enemy I’ve ever had to fight

In every tunnel I went through, my Angel showed me the light

I feel my baby here telling me it’s alright

For three months our little fighter survived

And his fighting spirit is what keeps me alive

You never get over it, you just learn to live on

And keep praying that God gives you what you need to be strong

The road of grief is painful and long

In 2012 I was blessed with a happy and healthy daughter

Never been happier, finally my life felt in order

But the weight gain caused an eating disorder

You will only see what a let you see

Trust me there’s much more to me

See I’ve fought fights you wouldn’t believe

I am not one to wear my heart on my sleeve

But every fight I’ve had, I’ve won

But this time I got punched so hard, I was almost done

See I was 23 when I got that call, my Dad attempted suicide

That day I cried more than I’ve ever cried

He was on life support for three days

Before we turned the machines off and he died

What a cruel way to have to say good bye

The days were just as dark as the night

I didn’t know how anything could ever be right

Just to breathe was a fight

Then my little girl would come into sight

My daughter was the only thing that got me through

Because of her, what my Dad did, I could never do

Thought about it though,

Over the edge, I wanted to go

The next few months dragged on, time went so slow

It gave me time to grow

I took the time to get to know

Who I really am

That is when I started to understand

That I’m no longer a broken girl

I’m no longer afraid of the world

I’m fully grown, not alone

I no longer live in a house

I live in a home

I look around and I really don’t have a reason to moan

I’m nowhere near where I was before

I don’t really know what I’m writing this for

I guess it’s because I’m almost another year older

I made it through, the pain is all over

It is hope to you, I want give

You’ve got a life, be happy and live

Look at what I’ve had to handle

Let me be an example

You can get through anything

You just have to keep believing, keep your faith

You are where you need to be, you’re in the right place

You can face what you need to face

Slow down life isn’t a race

Sometimes you have to close your eyes to see

Let it all go, just live and let be.

Penney Laubscher